Navigating Schools as LGBTQ+ Families: Key Takeaways from Kim, Nikhil, and Tonya

Jason Miller

Welcome back to the Family to Family Recap. I’m Jason Miller, here with my co-host Emily Carter, and today we’re unpacking a really powerful webinar about navigating schools as LGBTQ+ families.

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This podcast’s content originally aired in full in June of 2025 as part of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center’s Family to Family Real Talk Program. The conversation was led by Kim Simes from Family Equality, with guests Nikhil Vashee and Tonya Agnew. All three are queer, all three are parents or deeply tied to schools and they’re doing it every day at the national level. Kim is an executive at Family Equality and a queer mom of teens. So this is personal for her, the way it is for many. She framed the whole webinar around this question: what does it actually look like to show up in schools as LGBTQ+ families right now?

Jason Miller

Nikhil gave a big picture overview of how schools have changed, including that more teachers and principals than ever have worked with two-mom families, two-dad families, and nonbinary students. So there’s more basic familiarity than there has been previously.

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But then Nikhil added that “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” Because now national politics are seeping into local decisions. They used transgender athletes as an example-schools that used to handle participation case-by-case are suddenly frozen by big national policy debates.

Jason Miller

And Nikhil pointed out that lots of districts have policies to support LGBTQ+ students, but almost no big districts have a proactive policy about LGBTQ+ PARENTS and their kids. So LGBTQ+ families are still kind of invisible.

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Tonya’s perspective as a parent was interesting. She and her wife have raised two kids in Indiana-starting back in 1998. So she’s seen this whole arc from “are they even going to let us in the PTA?” to “Okay forms are finally changing.”

Jason Miller

Her story about school forms is a familiar one for many. For years the school forms only had “mother” and “father” which failed to recognize all types of families, not just LGBTQ ones. Tonya shares how she kept pushing, year after year, and after nearly 20 years of advocating, her district finally switched to more inclusive language.

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And Kim layered on those “everyday signals” that tell you whether your family belongs. She talked about flyers that say “Daddy and Donuts Day” or “Daddy-Daughter Dance,” and her own child coming home upset because she didn’t belong.

Jason Miller

Kim pointed out how “Muffins with Mom” and “Daddy Donuts” feel like microaggressions - not because schools are trying to be cruel, but because no one’s stopped to ask, “Who are we leaving out?”

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Kim tried to get her local “daddy daughter dance” language changed-she went to the principal, the district, the school board-and nothing happened. Once ally families stepped in it became “The Royal Ball” and the event became more universally inclusive for all families.

Jason Miller

That’s such a perfect snapshot of where schools are right now. You’ve got more awareness than 20 years ago, a lot of fear because of politics, and then these small but powerful details - forms, flyers, classroom libraries - that either quietly welcome, or quietly exclude.

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Kim also reminded us that it’s not just queer kids and kids of queer parents. There are queer teachers, counselors, principals whose safety and visibility also factor into school climate. So when we talk about “schools evolving,” we’re talking about whole ecosystems - students, families, staff -all affected by the same culture.

Jason Miller

Let’s get into the “what do we actually DO” piece, because this webinar had a lot of real-life examples.

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Tonya talked about the importance of volunteering, showing up at after school activities, and getting to know teachers and other parents. That’s how she found allies - queer teachers, supportive administrators, even school board members - who were willing to speak up and out for all families.

Jason Miller

She framed it as: “we’re just as boring as your other neighbors.” Doing homework, going to sports practice, worrying about grades. That kind of everyday presence can open doors for deeper conversations later, like, “Hey, this form language isn’t inclusive, or “this school event is leaving kids out.”

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Tonya and her wife didn’t stop at the classroom. Once their youngest graduated, they kept going to school board meetings and workshops, showing up on the record when diversity or LGBTQ+ issues came up, because they know how parents are slammed for time.

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That is such an important role. If you’re a queer adult with older kids - or no kids - but you care about safe schools, you can be that person. Kim advised that we “tag in people whose kids are grown, or who don’t have kids but care about inclusive education.”

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Nikhil laid out a very concrete starting point: meet with someone at the school - like the principal - to talk about your family’s experience and ask what’s already in place. And Nikhil was clear that this can make you feel vulnerable and can feel scary. We should recognize that walking in and saying “this isn’t working for my kid” is a big deal.

Jason Miller

Family Equality has email templates to help start that conversation - whether you expect it to be friendly or more tense. Nikhil mentioned those as tools for parents who want to say, “Here’s what our family needs” without having to draft everything from scratch.

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Nikhil also discussed Title IX of federal civil rights law in an accessible way. Title IX says students can’t be treated differently based on sex or gender. So if your kid is being excluded, harassed, or denied access because of their gender identity - or sometimes because of your identity as queer parents - that’s a Title IX issue.

Jason Miller

And districts and schools have designated Title IX coordinators whose job is to explain your rights, take complaints, start investigations, and put in place supports for your child while all that’s happening - like changing a classroom if a teacher’s behavior is harming your kid’s ability to learn.

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Nikhil’s comment that sometimes just asking, “who is the Title IX coordinator here?” signals “I know there are rules, and I’m willing to use them.” Even if you never end up filing a formal complaint, it can unstick a conversation.

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Addressing the anxiety around federal executive orders trying to roll back Title IX protections for LGBTQ+ people, Nikhil pointed out that those orders are partly meant to scare you away from speaking up. But coordinators still have obligations. It’s not their job to pre-decide your case based on politics - it’s their job to run the process and keep your child safe while they do.

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So if you’re pushing for a change - like turning “Daddy Daughter Dance” into “Royal Ball,” or updating “mother/father” forms to “parent/guardian” - you’ve got a few tools like relationship based advocacy, direct requests to school officials, ally family voices, and if needed, administrative processes like Title IX.

Jason Miller

And those changes help all families, as Kim and Tonya emphasized. Single parent families, kinship caregivers - everyone benefits when schools design events and paperwork around the reality that families come in many forms.

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The last big theme in the webinar was how to support LGBTQ+ kids and teens in what can feel like a really hostile environment. Kim read a question from a parent asking how to support older LGBTQ+ kids who are aware of the political climate and prejudice around them.

Jason Miller

Nikhil’s answer started with the environment. They said, “change the environment in all kinds of little ways.” So that means rethinking exclusionary events like Mother’s Day activities, weaving LGBTQ+ families into books and classroom materials - not as a “special lesson,” but as part of the everyday world.

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Nikhil talked about how including LGBTQ+ families in stories and in comprehensive sex education actually improves outcomes for all students - better health, better grades, more comfort being themselves. It’s not a niche add on, but good education.

Jason Miller

And then there are evidence-based supports that are surprisingly simple but still controversial in some places: using the correct name and pronouns, and having Gender and Sexuality Alliances in schools.

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GSAs came up a lot. Nikhil explained the federal Equal Access Act and how if a school allows any kind of student club, it can’t ban a GSA just because it’s about LGBTQ+ inclusion. Sometimes, practically, that means parents may need to help kids navigate starting one.

Jason Miller

Tonya described GSAs, safe space symbols, and rainbow flags as lifelines for kids. Just knowing, “There is a room in this building where I’d be welcome” can change how a young person gets through the day.

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Tonya also shared about straight parents of trans kids coming to her with concerns about state-level health care bans. Her approach to those parents was to listen, validate, and then connect them to resources like Family Equality or PFLAG’s national network for parents and families of LGBTQ+ people.

Jason Miller

And they both emphasized that even in conservative regions and states, there usually are resources and allies. Organizations like Family Equality, GLSEN for school climate, COLAGE for youth with LGBTQ+ parents, and others are all part of that bigger safety net.

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The other huge theme was joy, which Kim declared “an act of resistance.” When we’re all tracking executive orders, changing laws, school board fights, it’s easy to forget that gathering queer families and building community with other families like theirs, creates resilience and perseverance.

Jason Miller

So if we summarize the webinar to a few takeaways, they would include: one, notice the everyday signals in your school - forms, flyers, classroom books, events - and don’t be afraid to ask for small changes. They matter.

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Two, you don’t have to do it alone. Build relationships with teachers, PTAs, other parents, administrators. If you can’t be in the room, tag in allies who can. And don’t underestimate older queer adults or straight allies who have the time to engage.

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Three, remember your rights. Title IX isn’t some distant thing. Every school should have a Title IX coordinator whose job is to help you navigate discrimination and make sure your children can learn safely. Sometimes just asking for that person can open doors.

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Four, support kids with real, concrete things: GSAs, inclusive curriculum and sex ed, correct names and pronouns, access to mental health care, and those tiny signs that say “you belong here.”

Jason Miller

And five, make room for joy and connection. Find or start a local parent group, check out organizations like Family Equality, PFLAG, and others. Let your kids see that your family is not alone, even if you’re the only two-mom or two-dad family at your school.

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Kim, Tonya, and Nikhil reminded us that you don’t have to have a perfect advocacy plan to start. Notice one thing, have one conversation, attend one meeting, read one inclusive book in your kid’s classroom - that’s all part of the work.

Jason Miller

And, like Kim said at the end of the webinar, no one knows your child better than you do. Trust your gut about what they need, and lean on your community, however small it feels right now.

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Thanks to everyone for listening and we hope you feel like you’ve got a few new ideas for your own kid’s schools.

Jason Miller

And thanks to the Brazelton Touchpoints Center and everyone involved in making the Family to Family Real Talk program possible.

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Take good care of yourselves, find those moments of joy, and look for more episode recaps in this podcast series.